Happy happy, joy joy!!

I am VERY happy this evening. I am happy, humbled and overwhelmed with joy.

Tonight was our Temple Micah Chanukah party and menorah lighting. This is one of my favorite events at Temple Micah. The beautiful menorahs all lit up at once is an amazing sight! The kids have such a great time. There's latkes and sufganyiot. There's games and crafts and a book swap! It is an evening full of fun and I look forward to it each year.

One of the best things that happened this evening and took me by surprise was receiving Chanukah gifts from some of the parents of the kids in my class. I now have an amazing supply of Starbucks gift cards to feed my ever growing coffee addiction! Weeeeeee!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! Coffee dates in my future! Who's coming with me? What was really amazing about receiving these gifts was not the gift themselves but what the parents had to say to me when they gave me my gift. Having a parent tell me that their child really enjoys coming to my class and is having a good time in my class is THE BEST CHANUKAH PRESENT I COULD ASK  FOR!!! The gift cards and gifts are just an added bonus! I came home tonight and read each card I received to my husband and smiled at each gift that came with it. I then got emotional (cause that's how I roll) and began to cry. My husband asked me why I was crying. I told him that it was because for the first time in my life I was actually doing something that I really enjoyed. I LOVE teaching those kids. I feel very blessed that I get to work in the Lawrence Township School district AND I get to teach Hebrew school at our temple. It has taken just over 40 years but I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up!! LOL!! Better late than never, right???

I love the connections that are made with the kids. My favorite thing is when I get to see the light bulb go on over a child's head. When you see a kid "get it", there's nothing better. When you know that you made a difference in a child's life, that's the best! I get so excited when I'm in the classroom with the kids and I can see a bunch of light bulbs going off over their little heads. I also get excited when the kids ask me about our next class or how they can participate in the class. I try to keep my classroom very interactive and the kids seem to love it. One favorite of the class is when I allow them to take turns to be the teacher. They really enjoy it. It gets them up and moving and it allows them to do some thinking on their own as well as pay attention. The other favorite is craft/art projects. Even the boys get really into it. Anything to keep their little bodies moving and grooving while keeping their brains active is a huge win!

Temple Micah has been a whirlwind blessing in my life. I have found everything I had ever been looking for in a place of worship as well as a community. Temple Micah has become another home in my life and tonight was another reminder that it feels really good to be home!

Temple Micah menorah lighting - 2015

Happy Chanukah!

Long time, no write...

It has been a few days shy of 8 months since my last blog. I left you with the funeral of my beloved Rabbi Vicki. Since that time I have been grieving her passing, occupying my time trying to keep my children occupied through the summer months, deal with my husband (a Temple Micah board member and committee member for the new rabbi search) search for a new rabbi, gearing up for back to school (both regular and Hebrew school) and simultaneously prepare myself for the plethora of Jewish holidays kicking off with Rosh Hoshana, the Jewish New Year and with a new rabbi. I guess you could say that I have been a little busy. I didn't have any intention of leaving my blog. As a matter of fact I wanted to, and still want to pursue it on a more regular basis. Maybe sometimes we need a break. We need to step away and reclaim what was lost. It is no secret that the loss of Rabbi Vicki was beyond devastating to me. I needed time to heal from that. Time has definitely helped. I still miss her so much but it has gotten a little easier. Just a little. Alas, life must go on. A new year has come. We celebrated Rosh Hoshana in September. Our new rabbi, Roni Handler kicked off our new year and many fall holidays and traditions including Taschich; our tradition of casting away our sins. Rabbi Vicki would walk with us on a trail through the Princeton Battlefields. There we would come to the small body of water and through pieces of bread out into it. Each piece of bread holding onto something that does not benefit us and freeing ourselves from the weight of bad habits and other nonsense. Rabbi Roni performed this ritual with us this year and graciously allowed us to lead her through a beloved custom. Princeton Battlefield is a place where I feel Vicki's presence. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful service/ritual with Rabbi Roni. It was also the first time since Vicki's death that I felt true peace and calmness. I didn't get overwhelmed with emotion over Vicki not being there. Possibly because Vicki WAS THERE. Her spirit was there. Everything was perfect, the weather, the prayers, the ritual and the moments.

Fast forward several more Fall Jewish holidays and Thanksgiving and we here are!! Now it is Chanukah!! BOOM! I have been busy teaching 3rd grade Hebrew school at Temple Micah and I'm LOVING IT!! My boys are all taken care of for Chanukah with their new xbox one and new games!! Whew, that was easy! Expensive but easy! So now we are busy lighting the menorah each night and this Sunday we will be celebrating the last night of Chanukah with some family at my home. You know what that means????!!!??  LATKES! LOTS OF LATKES!!!!! If you're good, I'll make my next post about my fabulous latkes and Chanukah decorating ideas and crafts!!

I'm going to keep this short tonight since I'm just trying to get back into the swing  of my blogging. Plus I'm a huge loser with a bedtime between 9 and 10pm! OMG!!!!! So sad, I know!

Until next time!
Tootles
Ro

Rabbi Vicki at our Temple Micah Chanukah party and menorah lighting - 2013

Happy Chanukah!

How Do You Say Goodbye?

How do you say goodbye?

Today I learned that you say goodbye with LOVE. Today my beautiful friend, mentor and spiritual leader Rabbi Vicki Tuckman was laid to rest. Today I along with approximately 1,000 other people (yes, you read that correctly, one thousand people) said our final goodbye to a beautifully unique woman. The outpouring of love and support that I witnessed today was something I once thought I could only imagine. Today I learned what the power of the heart can really do and that heart belonged to Vicki... and over one thousand friends, family, colleagues, and other loved ones. Vicki shared herself and gave of herself without hesitation. She wanted to know more than your name, she wanted to KNOW YOU! She had a way, a mysterious mystical way of getting you to share of yourself too. She would genuinely learn about you, your family, your job, your interests, and maybe even what you like to eat for breakfast and what your favorite toothpaste is.  I call it the jedi mind trick. I'm 100% certain that when I wasn't looking Vicki would wave her hand across my head in true Jedi fashion, which would then lead me into agreeing to do things I wouldn't normally agree to and LIKE IT! Vicki had a gift. She could take one look at you, ask you a few probing questions (gently of course) and knew what your potential was, even when you had absolutely no idea in the world what your own potential was. She saw the best in everyone and was sure to find a way to have them see the best in themselves too. She enabled you to work at your full potential even when you didn't think you had it in you. The most amazing thing (among many) about Vicki was that she "GOT IT". Vicki 100% truly got it. I really do think she might have been a Jedi master, a modern day Yoda. It didn't matter if it was easy, difficult, wonderful, messy, confusing, or ugly, Vicki always got it. Her understanding of the world and of people was immense. She got people. She had a gift!! Just being in Vicki's presence could make you feel better on a rough day. She ALWAYS had the words, not just any words, but the right words.  Good, bad or indifferent, she always had the right words to guide you.  Vicki made you think.  She didn't answer questions for you, she got you to answer the question for yourself.  Again, I will refer to the Jedi mind trick.

Vicki could light up a room. Her infectious smile that was always on her face beamed for light-years. NEVER was she ever negative in her tone, her words or her body language. Vicki's love for life was infectious. In only 45 years Vicki lived more than most people do in twice that amount of time. I take much comfort in that. Although short in days, months and years, her life was FULL! As Vicki once quoted in a high holiday sermon, "525,600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?" Well, no matter how you want to take measure, Vicki's years were full to the brim.

My beautiful rabbi is now gone but will NEVER be forgotten. Vicki has instilled a love of Judaism in me and in my family that I've longed for and will never let go of.  From discovering more holidays to celebrate and make special with my boys to making habit of lighting Friday night Shabbat candles, Vicki has inspired me to be the Jewish person I wanted to be.  From having me become a teacher's assistant in Hebrew school to having my husband sit on the board of our temple, Vicki has inspired my family in a way I once could have only imagined. (Although, if that wasn't Jedi mind trick, then I don't know what is) It won't be easy without her. I will have to find the strength to keep on truck'n but I will.  I will take everything that she has ever taught me and I will use it in some way every day.  I will do this because of LOVE.  LOVE is what brought me here. Vicki's love for life, love of nature, love of Judaism, love of Temple Micah, love of family and love of friends is what brought me here and it is what will keep me here.  LOVE is how I will say goodbye and LOVE is how I will move forward and keep her memory alive.


I'm honored to have known such an amazing woman and to know her family. I'm glad I can be part of the village that looks after her family, her wonderful husband Rob and her three beautiful children Jonah, Elon and Yael.  May her memory be for a blessing.  I love you Vicki and the Tuckman family!

<3

I'm too sad to think of a title

It has been a while since I've blogged.  I normally like to keep things fun and lighthearted but at the same time I blog to get stuff out.  Sometimes the stuff we need to get out isn't always sweet and sugary. Unfortunately this is one of those times.

Back in January I found out that my beloved rabbi was going to have to fight a battle with cancer AGAIN! This time the fight would not be so simple. A breast cancer survivor of almost 4 years was now battling triple negative breast cancer that spread to her hips, pelvis and spine. After a hip replacement and total reconstruction of her pelvis, she began a potent cocktail of chemotherapy to knock the cancer out of her body. Things were looking good for a while. She was healing from surgery and making wonderful progress each day in her movement and mobility. I cheered her on!  I prayed for her, my rock star princess warrior rabbi. I vehemently held on to the thread of a miracle that was to never be.  I learned a couple of weeks ago that she was not responding to her cancer treatment and that treatment would stop.  This new news was once again devastating to learn. The thread I held onto so tightly just delicately floated away in the breeze leaving me breathless and raw. As the days went on from there I once again held onto another thread, one that would still give me some time with Rabbi Vicki in this world.  I knew it would be a finite amount of time, but still, time nonetheless.

Today I learned that as her family takes time to process all of this themselves, the future is this...hospice has been set up in the home and the focus is on pain management.  The family is preparing themselves and treasuring all moments of the days/weeks they will have left with her.  Today there is a husband out there who is preparing to say goodbye to his partner of 25 years and the mother of their three beautiful children. Today two sons and a daughter prepare to say goodbye to their mother, a thought that tears at my very soul and being.  Today a woman of 45 years old, a wife, a mother, a friend, a mentor and spiritual leader prepares herself for more goodbyes than anyone can count.

The grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I must admit that I am not handling this well at all and today I realized that I now have to also share this news with my children. Although they knew that Rabbi Vicki was ill and that it was cancer, having to tell my children that she will not make it through this was bitter and gut wrenching. My oldest son Ben will become a bar mitzvah next year. I feel ripped to shreds inside knowing it will not be Rabbi Vicki who performs his bar mitzvah or the bar mitzvah of my youngest son in 4 years. Rabbi Vicki is such a force within my family and my temple community. I've NEVER met another person like her and I know that I never will. She is more than unique. She is a gift. While I may encounter people similar to her and people who will remind me of her, she is a one and only. I am more than blessed to have known her and had her be a part of my life and my family's lives.

You know how sometimes you're asked if you're an optimist or a pessimist? Do you see the glass half empty or half full? I always had trouble answering that because I'm very much a person of middle ground. I can easily see both sides to a story or situation and appreciate them for what they are. After writing this blog this evening I think it might be safe to say that I am indeed an optimist, maybe even to a fault.  I have desperately hung on to any thread I could find in a miracle for Rabbi Vicki.  It is likely that is also what makes this hurt so much, my constant clinging to hope only to be let down in the end but what is living without hope?  Hope is what keeps us going. It is what drives us forward, even until the very end.

Tootles
Ro

Stigma Stinks

Not too long ago I wrote a blog about my journey through ADHD-land with my son Ben.  I've had people since who have read that blog reach out to me and thank me for being open, honest and an advocate.  The major reason I've begun blogging is mostly a selfish one.  It is a way for me to clear out my brain.  I also started blogging because I felt that as I cleared the clutter out of my brain, maybe, just maybe someone else out there in the world could benefit somehow from reading about my "crazy".  It is nice to know that this does indeed happen on occasion. I'm glad that my writing about something like having a child living with ADHD, I was able to make one person feel less alone in their journey with a child living with ADHD.  I enjoy being able to be a resource for anyone who may need it.  Having a child with any kind of health issue, medical condition or learning disability is a big deal for those parents and the affected child(ren).  Hearing and learning about other people's stories and journeys can be informative, helpful and healing.

There is a tremendous amount of stigma in the world regarding mental illness and learning disabilities. ADHD is at the forefront of the stigma.  From people who don't believe that ADHD is real to "Oh everyone has ADHD today".  Uhm, no.  No they don't.  I could literally throttle a person before they can even finish THAT sentence!  Do we live in a world today that requires attention to be diverted to a million different places and often simultaneously??  YES!  Yes we do!  Do we live in a world where we are so plugged in that it creates ADHD-like behaviors in people.  Sure!  We are always plugged in and always looking for that next "fix" to keep us engaged and interested.  The cell phone, the ipad, the laptop, the televison, the xbox, the wii, the playstation etc etc etc.  Where can I plug in next and when???  How long will it be before I can do it again??  This is the world we are living in.  We are all hustling and bustling to our jobs, our families, meetings, appointments and our next plug in fix in between all of it.  We are a society squirreling from one thing to another, very much like someone who has a neurobiological condition in which there brain synapses misfire and constantly search for a dopamine fix...someone who has ADHD.

So we live in a world that makes most people "act" a bit ADHD-like.  Oddly enough, the world we live in can actually be pretty conducive to someone who has ADHD. The ADHD brain likes this plugged in world. It makes it a bit easier to have your brain constantly hyper-linking when you can literally be hyper-linking on your phone or your computer.

I could go on and on but I won't because my brain just might hyper-link itself into a whole other topic such as why is my dog smart enough to hear when the neighborhood dogs are within a million feet of our house but when I walk into the house in the middle of the night he can't recognize my voice to know it is me???!!! Crazy puppers!

I recently came across an awesome TED Talks video regarding what it is like for someone who has ADHD. My husband also lives with ADHD and when he saw the video he said it was spot on.  "This is exactly what goes on in my brain!!"  So instead of listening or reading my banter, check this video out.  This is how an ADHD brain can work and NO, we don't all have ADHD!!  ;o)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0hY5TYVv_s

ADHD is a journey I never planned for but I sure do love my tour guide!

Tootles
Ro

Holidays Are Where The Heart Is

We are Jewish.  Our home is a Jewish home.  We celebrate Jewish holidays and a mezzuzah can be found on all of the doorways in our house.  My children attend Hebrew school to learn to read Hebrew and for their religious education.  Both of my boys have a VERY STRONG Jewish identity.  I follow several blogs/websites about Judaism.  Recently with the holiday of Valentine's day upon us I have come across a lot of articles discussing whether or not Jewish families should or should not celebrate a holiday such as Valentine's day since it is not a Jewish holiday.

The Judaism that my family follows is Reform Judaism meaning that we are not very literal in our practice and we are more progressive/modern in our practice.  For example we do not keep kosher and we do not adhere to a dress code the way that Orthodox Jews might and we don't observe the Sabbath in a literal sense, we use lights/electricity and travel on the Sabbath.  I also am a strong believer in making my children as worldly as I possibly can.  I believe that just because we are not traditionally part of something doesn't mean we can't partake in it and learn from it or about it.  For example, one of my close friends, Sessa is Catholic and celebrates holidays such as Christmas.  Every year Sessa invites me and my family to join her and her family for Christmas eve dinner and every year like clockwork we attend!  I strongly believe and always tell me children that the highest honor someone can give you is to invite you into their home to share in their customs.  This is exactly what happens with Sessa and her family with my family.  We have also gone to my childhood friend Elisa's home on Christmas day and shared in the fun and joys of her family's holiday traditions.  This to me is an honor and a blessing.

As a reform Jew I allow my children to take part in secular holidays.  The secular holidays are a part of the world that we live in and belong to.  They attend public school where Valentine's day parties are given.  They get the opportunity to write out cute and funny cards to show their friends that they really like them and enjoy yummy treats together.  During Halloween they get to attend parties in costume at school as well as in our home.  The religious or pagan aspect of Halloween has been long debated and I don't believe or practice in any religious or pagan aspect of the holiday.  I take from Halloween the opportunity to dress up and be anyone in our wildest dreams or the opportunity to dress up and become a real life play on words or something completely ridiculous and funny as well a plethora of candy and yummy goodies.  Anyone who knows me well is painfully aware that Halloween to me is the equivalent of Christmas to most those who celebrate it.  I love the opportunity to be silly, goofy and maybe a little creepy too.  I have brainwashed my children well into playing along with my Halloween shennanigans!

During the winter holiday season I decorate our home in a combination of Chanukah and winter solstice themes.  Even as a Jew, I do believe there should be some Christ in Christmas and therefore in our home we don't decorate for Christmas because we do believe and see that as a religious holiday that we don't observe in that nature.  I will decorate the house a little bit for Valentine's day because (and I don't know any non-Jewish people who celebrate a religious aspect of that holiday) we don't associate this holiday with anything religious.  We acknowledge the day as a day to spread love a little bit more than usual.  The same goes for St. Patrick's day and that is mainly because my boys are dedicated to an annual fundraiser held on the Saturday of St. Patrick's day every year called St. Baldrick's which raises money to cure childhood cancer. Again, there is no religious aspect that we are acknowledging nor do I know anyone who celebrates the religious side to St. Patrick's day other than drinking a whole lot of beer and eating corned beef!!!

Maybe you could say that I'm picking and choosing what secular holidays we "celebrate" or acknowledge in some fashion based on what I like or what I choose to believe or not believe and maybe there's some truth there.  I'd like to think that I'm just being open minded and allowing and giving my children the chance to take part in things other than Jewish things.  The world that my family lives in is filled with a lot of people from a lot of different places.   I like to explore that.  I hope that my children will want to explore the interesting things around them that are not necessarily part of their everyday intimate world.  I'm also by no mean saying that those who choose to only celebrate and acknowledge Jewish holidays are wrong in that belief and following.  They are not wrong.  That is their choice to live the way they want to live.  I'm just sharing the way we chose to live among the holidays of the world Jewish or not.  Like I said, there has been a lot of chatter among the Jewish based blogs regarding the secular holidays, this is just my take on it.

With that I bid you a happy Valentine's day!  May you take a moment today to show those around you how much you love them and care about them (in the form of chocolate is always a good way to go).

Tootles
Ro

ADHD Is A Journey I Never Planned But I Sure Do Love My Tour Guide

Most of you who know me also know that my oldest son Ben is living ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).  He was formally diagnosed in the second grade by our amazing pediatrician and with the help of his second grade teacher and school guidance counselor.  I occasionally post articles on FB to raise awareness and I post A LOT of articles on FB when it is ADHD awareness month.  Just a few days ago I found an awesome article about ADHD children taking medication.  I loved the article so much because I felt as though it was the closest thing to what we had gone through with Ben early on in our journey and particularly regarding whether or not to give him medication.  The best line in the entire article was "If your child had a serious illness, like cancer, would you withhold medication?"  I'm not sure that I would use cancer as a comparable but I get the point.  It is the same point my therapist made with me when I sat in her office sobbing over my internal struggle with giving Ben medication for his ADHD.  She looked me dead in the face and said "If your child had a heart condition or diabetes, would you not give him medicine?" That pretty much did it for me.  It woke me up.  I got over the stigma and the crazy in my head over my child needing to take a medication to make him feel better. You see, that's just what it is.  ADHD is a bio-neurological disorder and classified as such in the DSM-V.  It is a REAL medical condition in which the synapses in the brain misfire and where the brain has difficulty processing glucose.  The brain in an ADHD person is therefore always looking for a dopamine fix.  Ben NEEDS his brain to not misfire and NEEDS proper amounts of dopamine in his brain to stay focused and attentive.  Behavioral modifications have been very helpful with Ben, however, alone it is not enough.  Enter medication alongside daily behavioral changes.
Even though I know very well all of what I just spewed out to you in my own brain, I still had this shame and anxiety over giving him medication.  I suppose part of it was the normal parental anxiety.  No parent wants their child to have to NEED medication.  We want them to be perfectly healthy and not need anything other than the food we put on the table and the clothes we put on their bodies.  We don't want them to be sick in any fashion.  Another part of my anxiety likely stemmed from the stigma that ADHD has.  Even though I consider myself to be very well educated on the topic between CHADD meetings, books, articles, videos, doctors, guidance counselors and my healthcare background, I still felt the shame of the stigma.  The stigma is real folks.  There are a good many people out there, some even very highly educated and are doctors, who don't believe that ADHD is a legitimate medical condition.  There are people who believe that "everyone is ADHD today" or that "all kids are ADHD" or maybe "he'll out grow it" etc etc etc.  There are people who believe that giving your child medication to help control the symptoms of ADHD is "taking the easy way out".  Well, let me tell you, THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT!!!  Just as there is no easy way out of diabetes or a thyroid condition or other mental illnesses.  Medication is just one tool in an arsenal and is best when mixed with other tools such as behavior modification or brain training exercises and practices.

Another thing that my therapist said to me in that same appointment I spoke of was "what if when he takes the medicine and he comes to you and tells you that he feels better?"  Wow, that was an interesting thought I had not had.  What is even more interesting and amazing is that within a week or so of Ben being on his medication (without my asking) he DID come to me and tell me that he "feels better".  We started him on medication in late August, a week before he started 4th grade.  He was able to tell me how much better his focus was in class and that he feels good.  The proof was in the pudding of course.  We had our parent teacher conference with his 4th grade teacher after the first marking period.  Prior to that his teacher was wonderful about keeping in contact with me via email once every 3 to 4 weeks so that we were both on the same page regarding Ben's progress.  The emails were always positive and correlated to Ben's comments about how he felt.  At the conference I sat down and saw Ben's report card on the table.  As I glanced over it quickly while his teacher walked back to the table from closing the classroom door, I began to cry.  Ben, despite living with ADHD was still always a good student.  He would try his best, he was enthusiastic and pleasant, however he lacked in the areas of self control and focus which hindered him in school.  Those areas during the course his school years were marked with an "N" for "needs improvement".  This time I looked at his report card and could not find one "N".  Not only were there no longer any "N's" for needing improvement but some of the areas even received the highest score of "C" for continuously meeting goal.  I honest to G-d thought that I was looking at the wrong report card and feverishly began looking for his name on it to make sure.  His teacher began to talk to me and describe Ben as a child who is so focused and always on task. She told us that Ben "has taken 4th grade by the horns and ran with it."  I completely broke down. I broke down with the biggest sigh of relief and KNEW at that very moment that we did the right thing.  Ben NEEDED the medication to help make his brain work like everyone else's and it was WORKING!!!!  I was validated.  My husband was validated.  BEN WAS VALIDATED!! VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I write this I still get teary eyed and choked up because even though we don't want our kids to be ill or different, we do want to be able to help them and make it right or better.  Knowing that we were able to achieve that for Ben is just beyond amazing.  It may not always stay that way as he continues to grow.  We have to make adjustments and monitor everything as we go along, but for now we're in a pretty good place. Ben is thriving in school and feels good about himself.  Life has gotten better for Ben living with ADHD.  Its not always perfect.  Everyday there are new things, new struggles etc but we are able to tackle them much better now.  The medication allows Ben to focus on the world.  It allows him to practice new things to help him be engaged and stay on task. He also has a 504c plan in school which helps level the playing field for Ben.  This legal document based on his medical diagnosis allows for Ben to be able to learn as well as the children who don't have a medical/learning condition.  All of these things combined make for a very good recipe.  Sometimes we need to tweak the recipe and alter the seasonings but the base is fabulous!  Hard work and persistence definitely goes a long way!

ADHD is a journey I never planned, but I sure do love my tour guide!!!!

Tootles
Ro

For more information about ADHD:
www.CHADD.org (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder)
www.attitudemag.com (ADDitude - Strategies and support of ADHD and LD)
www.aacap.org (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology)
www.nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illnesss)