It has been a while since I've blogged. I normally like to keep things fun and lighthearted but at the same time I blog to get stuff out. Sometimes the stuff we need to get out isn't always sweet and sugary. Unfortunately this is one of those times.
Back in January I found out that my beloved rabbi was going to have to fight a battle with cancer AGAIN! This time the fight would not be so simple. A breast cancer survivor of almost 4 years was now battling triple negative breast cancer that spread to her hips, pelvis and spine. After a hip replacement and total reconstruction of her pelvis, she began a potent cocktail of chemotherapy to knock the cancer out of her body. Things were looking good for a while. She was healing from surgery and making wonderful progress each day in her movement and mobility. I cheered her on! I prayed for her, my rock star princess warrior rabbi. I vehemently held on to the thread of a miracle that was to never be. I learned a couple of weeks ago that she was not responding to her cancer treatment and that treatment would stop. This new news was once again devastating to learn. The thread I held onto so tightly just delicately floated away in the breeze leaving me breathless and raw. As the days went on from there I once again held onto another thread, one that would still give me some time with Rabbi Vicki in this world. I knew it would be a finite amount of time, but still, time nonetheless.
Today I learned that as her family takes time to process all of this themselves, the future is this...hospice has been set up in the home and the focus is on pain management. The family is preparing themselves and treasuring all moments of the days/weeks they will have left with her. Today there is a husband out there who is preparing to say goodbye to his partner of 25 years and the mother of their three beautiful children. Today two sons and a daughter prepare to say goodbye to their mother, a thought that tears at my very soul and being. Today a woman of 45 years old, a wife, a mother, a friend, a mentor and spiritual leader prepares herself for more goodbyes than anyone can count.
The grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I must admit that I am not handling this well at all and today I realized that I now have to also share this news with my children. Although they knew that Rabbi Vicki was ill and that it was cancer, having to tell my children that she will not make it through this was bitter and gut wrenching. My oldest son Ben will become a bar mitzvah next year. I feel ripped to shreds inside knowing it will not be Rabbi Vicki who performs his bar mitzvah or the bar mitzvah of my youngest son in 4 years. Rabbi Vicki is such a force within my family and my temple community. I've NEVER met another person like her and I know that I never will. She is more than unique. She is a gift. While I may encounter people similar to her and people who will remind me of her, she is a one and only. I am more than blessed to have known her and had her be a part of my life and my family's lives.
You know how sometimes you're asked if you're an optimist or a pessimist? Do you see the glass half empty or half full? I always had trouble answering that because I'm very much a person of middle ground. I can easily see both sides to a story or situation and appreciate them for what they are. After writing this blog this evening I think it might be safe to say that I am indeed an optimist, maybe even to a fault. I have desperately hung on to any thread I could find in a miracle for Rabbi Vicki. It is likely that is also what makes this hurt so much, my constant clinging to hope only to be let down in the end but what is living without hope? Hope is what keeps us going. It is what drives us forward, even until the very end.
Tootles
Ro
